When the prima ballerina’s director assigns her masturbation as “homework,” she requests a written syllabus to no avail. What other assignments are in that mental textbook of his?
Other Homework Assignments from The Black Swan
- Draw a Dirty Picture.
Use form and perspective to design, and shading and/or a red marker and a squeeze-bottle of Elmer’s Glue to enhance, a picture that’s at least X-rated.
- Fuck Yourself With a Ballerina Barbie.
Lube okay, condom not. Tears demanded in rehearsal but forbidden at showtime.
- Take an Aromatherapy Bath.
Good God, girl. Look at you. Relax, be kind to yourself: this is supposed to be your dream come true, not a nightmare. Forget all about the–AAH! What was that?! No, just fucking with you. I packed this old pair of stockings with chamomile and lavendar flowers, a dozen quartered citruses, and one of those dissolving salt balls that plays that Sade song, “Sweetest Taboo.” It’s all fresh from my garden, except the salt ball. That’s from the internet. Take the stocking-satchel. Set it under the steaming water as the tub fills from its stainless steel faucet. Lock the door and just have some you time.
- Whip Me.
Here’s how you do it. Seriously, your turn… n… n… now. Now. Like this. Now, like this. I honestly can’t tell if you’re getting this.
- See a Psychiatrist.
You’re cracking up.
Your room is black now. You’re welcome.
- You Know What?
I’m gonna give your mom the part. Your assignment is to go home and help her rehearse.
- Listen to Guns n Roses.
Every song they ever made. “November Rain” you have to listen to in November rain. Naked. Cold, isn’t it? Listen to Slash’s guitar. Move your vagina that way when you dance.
Your ball must be black. Without warming up, challenge people until someone will play you for $15,000. Win, then offer to smash their foot up good with your bowling ball instead. Let them choose.
- Draw a Moustache On That Rival Chick With Your Shit in Front of Someone When She’s Not Expecting It, Then Start Calling Her “Sanchez.”
Try to get a picture.
- Dance Your Ass Off.
Do you still have that pair of stockings I gave you filled with all the aromatherapy stuff? Practice, practice, practice in those. Not with the fruit and all still in them, of course.
- Break a leg.
Seriously, break a leg.
- Sue Me For Sexual Harrassment.
That’s it, stand up for yourself!