The Emperor’s Other New Things That He Doesn’t Realize Are Fake

The emperor’s new tinted windows
The emperor’s new bulletproof skin cream
The emperor’s new parachute
The emperor’s new Porta-Potty
The emperor’s new GPS system
The emperor’s new hearing aid
The emperor’s new trophy wife
The emperor’s new stock portfolio
The emperor’s new hallucinogenic aphrodesiac
The emperor’s new helper monkey
The emperor’s new childhood memory of a sexual assault
The emperor’s new whitening toothpaste
The emperor’s new website
The emperor’s new boom box
The emperor’s new posse
The emperor’s new moustache
The emperor’s new slang expression
The emperor’s new Rolex
The emperor’s new odor
The emperor’s new Valentine’s Day card
The emperor’s new condolence text message
The emperor’s new debt ceiling
The emperor’s new heir
The emperor’s many other new sons and daughters, by so many wives and concubines
The emperor’s new handgun
The emperor’s new hip/lower-back tweak
The emperor’s new nickname
The emperor’s new dream of a better tomorrow
The emperor’s new revised shit list
The emperor’s new psychiatrist
The emperor’s new optometrist
The emperor’s new auto-immune deficiency specialist
The emperor’s new need for medication that makes him feel not himself
The emperor’s new friend and emissary among the birds
The emperor’s enduring (therefore always new, in a way) sense of responsibility for the admittedly blurrily-imagined common man’s ration of hope
The emperor’s new obsession with dreams
The emperor’s “hot-off-the-presses” newspaper
The emperor’s newfound satisfaction
The emperor’s new surrender to the emperor’s new fate, whatever it may be
The emperor’s new Zhu-Zhu Pet
The emperor’s new favorite song
The emperor’s new joke that he’s able to remember
The emperor’s new impatience, though for what he doesn’t know
The emperor’s new list of his new things, which he is unaware are as fake as the list itself
The emperor’s new suspicion, aroused during his list-making, that the fabric of reality is better examined through one’s senses than others’ words
The emperor’s new distress at what an ass he has made of himself
The emperor’s new code of justice against those who would deceive an emperor
The emperor’s new tatoo
The emperor’s brave new examination of whether or not he’d perhaps had it coming
The emperor’s new regrets over the consequences of judgments he pronounced that feel unjust now but at the time seemed justified by politics, finance and/or pride
The emperor’s new empathy
The emperor’s new charity to help fools of the same stripe as he’d been
The emperor’s new vision of an arc to his life, not just a title
The emperor’s new tattoo over his previous tattoo
The emperor’s new pursuit of atonement, even redemption, through the grand-scale engineering of a more just and loving world
The emperor’s new line of incence and bells
The emperor’s new war against believing his own hype
The emperor’s new aura
The emperor’s new dedication to what he internally calls “the infinity of” silence
The emperor’s new vision of visions within visions, worlds within worlds, selves within selves
The emperor’s new state of consciousness, simultaneously inside and outside of timespace
The emperor’s new mountain, same as the old mountain
The emperor’s new new clothes

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