This Season’s Bug Blog

Day 1

Back to School Night. Shook a ton of hands, no Purel. Throat tickle began on drive home.

Day 2

Full-blown sore throat. Fuzzy head. Sensation of disproportionate strength in left forearm.

Day 3

Sore throat replaced by runny nose, fatigue, headache, undirected sense of urgency. Teeth too soft to chew food. Mouth-breathed all night–tired in AM!

Day 4

Intense craving for analog pornography–musty Playboys circa 1984, particularly. Unable to acccomodate. Rash on back of left calf.

Day 5

Cough. Gender-doubt. Breakfast cereals replaced by generic brands; shirt buttons on other (female!) side.

Day 6

Sudden handsomeness. Gaped at bathroom mirror until late for school. Facial symmetry, abdominal “6-pack,” full head of feathered hair. Illusion? No: heads turning throughout corridors. Received actual cat-call from Vice Principal Saibel, who then looked embarrassed but kept staring. Perhaps a pheremonal hallucination trigger? Sensation of own beauty in all glass surfaces as unnerving. Unaware narcissism and self-alienation could pair. Still coughing.

Day 7

Car broken into; bluetooth, sunglasses stolen. What to wear to “Douchebag Thursdays”?–jk, lol.  Unsure which insurance to call. Above-average handsomeness, but nothing like yesterday. Baldness mostly back. Flat feet/shoes uncomfortable. Bedroom window positively covered in flies. Passed pitchfork-shaped kidney stone–zowee, that smarts! Smelled of sulfur. OUIJA board threw itself off top shelf–but no, thank you. This season’s bug a real “doozy”!

Day 8 (?)

Compulsion to watch clock every time a zero appears bleeds into sensation of all moments of life existing at once. Able, somehow, to speak and act “now” through “past” and “future” moments and be understood by people in them at those times. Final conversation with brother richer this time. Also, mucous production off the charts. Producing it literally faster than I can blow it out. Could it be coming from a different time? Had a light breakfast.

Day 9

Thought I was feeling better, tried the gym after school. Vomited on crotch at adductor. (TG for gym towel.) Got some on nose–realized it (nose) seems longer. Students/colleagues said nothing? Measured it at home but have no baseline to compare. 2.5″ out and 3″ wide, plus hanging over top lip seems +50%ish. Odd droopiness but little difference in smelling. Didn’t know what to do so checked temperature. 69.7 F–same as room?! Realized used son’s Fisher Price toy rectal thermom., batteries pretty dead. Feverishly rifled through thermometer drawer. All broken. Iced down mercury burns on fingers, under-tongue (“sub-mouth”?). Chicken soup for dinner made tummy feel better.

Day 10

Too weird to talk about. Sorry to blog followers, but still processing. 😦

Day 11

Definitely getting my flu shots when those happen. Skin just MOLTED! Think that’s the word. Scratched calf and it started to peel; came off in sheets like bad sunburn, or snake’s skin. Underskin very tender, smooth. Radiant? Might be eyes in dark.

Day 12

Saw doctor. Hate co-pay but felt time to “suck it up” when identified “pinchy” new orifice just below anus. MD took photos/video but demeanor unconcerned–a relief to see condition not too uncommon I guess. “Probably viral” so no antibiotics. Good because dying for beer. Enough tea and soup!

Day 13

Arr! Awoke speaking like pirate. No depth perception; blind on starboard side; “parroty” sensation on shoulder. Appearance of “magic marker moustache”–won’t wash off. (“Curlicue” kind.) Avast! or whatever. Cursing last night’s grog. Wish I could keel-haul this scurvy scurvy. Got through work day fake laughing, pretending voice, syntax, moustache arr all in jest. Lucky pirates = school mascot (or did that influence?). Also spied orifice vid on internet. Everyone sharing. That what MD meant by “viral”? Furiously swinging imaginary cutlass. Arr!

Day 14

Man, I love this feeling of pulling out of a cold. “Health acceleration,” I call it. Zoom! What a long two weeks that was–but never mind! Definitely on the mend. All day on feet, feeling brand new–well, 90%. Still slight fatigue; keep smelling bananas; acute awareness of eventual death. Healthy, though! But wife, children complaining of sore throat; half of class absent. Bug def. making the rounds. Better them than me!


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